Lost

I’m not quite sure where it starts.. When does the clean straight path you were on turn into a dusty path in the middle of the jungle? Where do you go from there if you aren’t sure where you started and how do you adapt? Sometimes I just feel so completely unsure of my life and where I’ve ended up. Then other times…it’s so perfect and right where I always imagined I’d be.. Isn’t that confusing? Isn’t it strange? I feel like a little girl in a room full of adults not understanding a single word they are saying… Seeking nourshment and some form of validation and I just can’t seem to find it. I tell my husband often, please just tell me I’m pretty because today is ugly and grey and I can’t seem to pull myself out from underneith it’s beautiful warm blanket. When I look into my daughter’s eyes after a hard, long day, I mostly feel shame because of how I have acted. I have been so frustrated and maybe even mean to this beautiful little girl with these big hazel eyes who I’m positive only wants exactly what I seek; noursiment, validation, acceptance, love.. I feel like I am so unworthy to be her mother and that I fail at it everyday. I wonder when she looks at me what she sees but then I know…she just sees her mommy. Her world. That makes me feel worse.

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