Today’s brain dump from my bullet journal.

   
 

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She was ashamed.

She could never let anyone in…Not even her husband. Her best friend blew away with the wind and all she had was her faded brown eyes reflecting in the window. She was happy and she tried her best to be a good person but, she was never the person she truly wanted to be. She put on a strong front; confident, intelligent, brave. Even though she cried and screamed every night as nightmares broke through her skin; not good enough. Constantly tense, she fell apart only in the darkness. Her weakness for touch fought against her constant pride; never ready for the words no. Rejection killed her and made her that insecure girl…Her father’s love was never there, just his belt around her throat.

She was a whisper.

Though you would never believe it. Her tongue was quick and her wit and charm came like it was natural… She had a plan. If she could play make believe and get through life with more than an empty dream, the pain would be worth it. If she could break through and be that person she wanted to be (even if only pretending) then maybe she could be happy. Happiness was like love, she thought… Always fading, inconsistent, imaginary, fleeting. In the end her whispers wouldn’t be enough to keep him by her side and the girl inside screaming would be left there to die.

Writer-ish

I’ve been lacking pretty words… Maybe words in general and yet still they run through my mind like dogs chasing rabbits in the wild.

A writer should be able to put words into lines, sentences into paragraphs, paragraphs into novels, stories… Something.

I claim to be just that… A writer. Yet my words are always in a form that no one likes or understands; lost in the hands of others and only treasured in the lands created in my brain.

Tell Me Your Secrets…

The ones you have placed away; tied with pretty bows of lace and frill. The ones that create shame and make your eyes rain upon porcelain cheeks. Tell me the ones that keep you from jumping into your life. I know that roses and jasmine flowers hide the scent of blood… The blood that once flowed from your wrists into your bathroom sinks and garden tub. I promise not to judge your pain, your reality, your dreams… Tell me your secrets and maybe we can both find a little piece of solace to not hide away in, but to come alive in.

Beating.

My heart skips a beat when our lips touch so intensely.

When you hold me so close I can barely breathe. 

This is what our love used to be like… 

Now, it’s slowly coming back to life

with each day the fire in your eyes grows &

I can feel your love for me through your finger tips once more.

Finally our love has become a flame again

Full of beauty and passion…

I hope this time we can keep it alive until the end<3.

My wings have finally broken free and now they unfold ever so gently to expose the power that I have held inside of me for so long. They unravel and become large and beautiful, shining in the sun as each ray of light hits me ever so softly. Finally I am everything that is me. Finally, I am free and ready to live my life and take on the adventures to come. Though I still have many battles to fight, at least now… I’m whole again.