It gets easier.

There is nothing to say. I can’t breathe…that is all I can think. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t….I’m dying. Oh my god…is this it? Is this my life? It can’t possibly end here. I have so many more things I want to do, so many more things I want to say, things I need to change, things I need to become better at, people that need to know I love them…why now?

They really mean it when they say your life flashes before your eyes and when it does, it may seem small…it just might seem like you accomplished absolutely nothing and that you never were able to get over your self-esteem issues and that you still consider yourself completely worthless and uncapable of doing anything meaningful.

You might regret. You might regret so much more than not doing the dishes. You’ll regret not saying goodnight to your babies properly. You’ll regret not kissing your husband goodnight because you were so wrapped up in arguing with a friend. You might feel incredibly lonely; like no one ever truly got to know you because you were so afraid of what they would think….and that might be it.

That could be the end and you could never get a chance to fix it or change it. So, do it now. Be happy because tomorrow you might draw your last breath and you might wish you had made up with that friend, you might wish you kissed your husband goodnight, you might wish that you had cuddled up close to those babies…

You can be whoever you want to be if you only remember that this is it. This is your life and it will speed by quicker than you can inhale a bowl of mac and cheese and whether or not you believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true because that is how the truth works. You can choose to ignore it and that may be okay but it is still true. Love yourself. Even if it means you have to work towards it everyday, mantra after mantra, workout after workout, breath after breath, whatever it takes; love you.

Do what you dream of. Even if it is crazy or unrealistic. Who defines what is real or not? Who says you can’t travel? Who says I can’t write? Who says you can’t have everything you’ve ever wanted? It might not be easy…but you can have it. Reach for it and don’t look back at the people who tell you otherwise because in the end you are the only one who needs to be satisfied by your life. Run it. Run your life. It is only as amazing as you make it. So, breathe. Take a step. It gets easier.

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Breathe.

You just need to shut up and breathe. Maybe one day you’ll learn to just stop running your mouth and just take action. You don’t need to say anything, just ACT. Just do whatever you need done and stop expecting your 2.5 year old to understand or see why it is you’re freaking out. You’re a grown up. BE YOU. DON’T BE LAZY.

Sometimes I wonder if I inherited this lazy bone from my father. My sick, fucked up, ridiculous father. Who would rather yell across the house for someone to do something for him (like pour a glass of milk) than get up and get it himself. Who the fuck does that? I do that sometimes. Sometimes when Jamie is here I will call her from upstairs to bring me something and that’s wrong. It is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have been successful? If I will ever feel like I have become smart enough, loving enough, brave enough….A real writer…Anything that I want to be, I feel…average. Never excellent, never amazing, never great.

But I love…I do. I love so much that it hurts me and sometimes I try to stand back and say you know what, love isn’t what anyone needs right now. Sometimes, people just need to judge themselves and not be loved while doing it but I feel that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Everyone can use a little love even if they suck. Even if their entire lives are gone and it’s their fault…Love could fix it.

What am I?

Who am I?

Where do I go from here and how do I become….Me?

Breathe.

Cry…

Maybe lay on the floor in the fetal position and try to remember what it was like to know nothing but comfort, security, love…

Forget that there was ever darkness?

Or maybe just realize that you can be the light. – Fuck.

She was ashamed.

She could never let anyone in…Not even her husband. Her best friend blew away with the wind and all she had was her faded brown eyes reflecting in the window. She was happy and she tried her best to be a good person but, she was never the person she truly wanted to be. She put on a strong front; confident, intelligent, brave. Even though she cried and screamed every night as nightmares broke through her skin; not good enough. Constantly tense, she fell apart only in the darkness. Her weakness for touch fought against her constant pride; never ready for the words no. Rejection killed her and made her that insecure girl…Her father’s love was never there, just his belt around her throat.

She was a whisper.

Though you would never believe it. Her tongue was quick and her wit and charm came like it was natural… She had a plan. If she could play make believe and get through life with more than an empty dream, the pain would be worth it. If she could break through and be that person she wanted to be (even if only pretending) then maybe she could be happy. Happiness was like love, she thought… Always fading, inconsistent, imaginary, fleeting. In the end her whispers wouldn’t be enough to keep him by her side and the girl inside screaming would be left there to die.

Writer-ish

I’ve been lacking pretty words… Maybe words in general and yet still they run through my mind like dogs chasing rabbits in the wild.

A writer should be able to put words into lines, sentences into paragraphs, paragraphs into novels, stories… Something.

I claim to be just that… A writer. Yet my words are always in a form that no one likes or understands; lost in the hands of others and only treasured in the lands created in my brain.

Tell Me Your Secrets…

The ones you have placed away; tied with pretty bows of lace and frill. The ones that create shame and make your eyes rain upon porcelain cheeks. Tell me the ones that keep you from jumping into your life. I know that roses and jasmine flowers hide the scent of blood… The blood that once flowed from your wrists into your bathroom sinks and garden tub. I promise not to judge your pain, your reality, your dreams… Tell me your secrets and maybe we can both find a little piece of solace to not hide away in, but to come alive in.

Beating.

My heart skips a beat when our lips touch so intensely.

When you hold me so close I can barely breathe. 

This is what our love used to be like… 

Now, it’s slowly coming back to life

with each day the fire in your eyes grows &

I can feel your love for me through your finger tips once more.

Finally our love has become a flame again

Full of beauty and passion…

I hope this time we can keep it alive until the end<3.