So, I’ve kind of been going through a lot of things lately. I mean, not just recently but I’m going to say since I’ve had Oliver it has just been rough… It’s not his fault but my brain has just been in such a rough and negative space and I’ve really just not been myself…honestly, I’ve just started realizing how totally un-myself I have been. I had taken having two children really poorly. Aubrey has been neglected, Oliver has been neglected, I have been neglected, even my husband has been neglected at one point or another and it seems like just now it is finally getting better. I had decided I wanted to get more involved and make some friends and kind of get out there because I was just feeling lonely? I guess? If even that is the right word; I’m not sure…
Anyways, I have made some great friends and they have been a good thing and a bad thing for me. This isn’t to hurt anyones feelings or really put anything on them or against them but it is mostly for me to get it out there and kind of situate really how I feel…I think the friendship scene might not be for me. I’m not sure that I can deal with anyone else’s baggage or negative energy when I am in constant battle with my own.
I had lunch with a friend who I hadn’t really connected with in a long time and when I was there it was like she put my entire life into perspective because she is the mom I used to be/dream to be again. I have lost my footing and I have become a mom that I really don’t want to be and it was something that hit me so strongly that everything in my life just finally came directly in front of my face and I thought “what am I doing?” I have a tendency to go with the flow in a very extreme way and this doesn’t mean I give up everything I believe in but it does mean I may sway here and there and it makes me so disappointed in myself and especially because in some ways I think it has severely damaged my relationship with Aubrey.
So…I guess to get to my title here, I think I’m having (or was having) an identity crisis but I’m done. I’m over it. It’s time for me to get back to me and what I really want to do and what I really believe in. Some people might not understand, believe in, care to be around me, etc but I am okay with that now. I am and have always been that attachment/gentle parenting, cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, vegan, baby wearing, freak of nature. I am going to let my kid run in target. I am going to let her jump off furniture, I’m not going to shame her, I’m not going to make her share, I’m not going to force her to do things she doesn’t want to do and I’m going to go back to really respecting her and how she feels. I will not apologize for her behavior or her inconvenience towards others or for her teaching children things there parents didn’t want them to know or any other things that society has kind of made me feel like I should be doing. It’s not because I have anything against the people I’m friends with it’s purely because I can’t. Since making friends I have been more tense than I have since leaving my abusive home as a child.
I need to re-bond with my children. I need to re-ground myself with my own energy. I need to hit a restart button and maybe one day there will be a time where I can have friends and I can be strong in my ways and maybe people will accept them or maybe they won’t and I will learn to be okay in myself and myself alone but that isn’t today so I’m going to take a step back and be with my children as myself until I can be everything I am in front of the world even if I am criticized.
I’m sorry to anyone who has gotten close to me and may feel like I don’t care about them but I can say that it is the opposite. I think you are wonderful mothers and wonderful people and I love everyone (including your children) and I’m not saying we can never hang out or never be friends…I’m just saying I’m going to hang back. I’m going to be less involved and really just take a breather. If you need me, I’m here. If you think of me, let me know. If you want to come over, come over. I just need it to be less right now.