Breathe.

You just need to shut up and breathe. Maybe one day you’ll learn to just stop running your mouth and just take action. You don’t need to say anything, just ACT. Just do whatever you need done and stop expecting your 2.5 year old to understand or see why it is you’re freaking out. You’re a grown up. BE YOU. DON’T BE LAZY.

Sometimes I wonder if I inherited this lazy bone from my father. My sick, fucked up, ridiculous father. Who would rather yell across the house for someone to do something for him (like pour a glass of milk) than get up and get it himself. Who the fuck does that? I do that sometimes. Sometimes when Jamie is here I will call her from upstairs to bring me something and that’s wrong. It is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have been successful? If I will ever feel like I have become smart enough, loving enough, brave enough….A real writer…Anything that I want to be, I feel…average. Never excellent, never amazing, never great.

But I love…I do. I love so much that it hurts me and sometimes I try to stand back and say you know what, love isn’t what anyone needs right now. Sometimes, people just need to judge themselves and not be loved while doing it but I feel that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Everyone can use a little love even if they suck. Even if their entire lives are gone and it’s their fault…Love could fix it.

What am I?

Who am I?

Where do I go from here and how do I become….Me?

Breathe.

Cry…

Maybe lay on the floor in the fetal position and try to remember what it was like to know nothing but comfort, security, love…

Forget that there was ever darkness?

Or maybe just realize that you can be the light. – Fuck.

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So many projects coming up.

So, I’m going to be starting a couple new projects…

  • Bullet journaling. I’ll be sharing this journey here and I have to say I’m pretty stoked about it. I so far have just been setting it up and getting it ready to start Sept. 1st but it’s been so much fun just getting it ready!
  • Blogging. Live blogging. All day, everyday, there will be more of me.
  • No complaining!! I am start the NO complaining project where you attempt to rid your life of negativity but just denying yourself the option of complaining – I need this in my life and am excited for the challenge. SO many of my friends and family members just NEVER stop complaining and unfortunately I have fallen into the dark depths of feeling ALL the negativity and just grasping for positive things..
  • FITNESS LOGS ARE COMING BACK. I have been a HUGE slacker. I have really let myself down on this and Sept 1st is going to the the “get back to kicking ass” start day. Though, I will be doing stuff before then, this is my lock it down date.
  • I’ll also be reading You Are A BadAss because honestly…I need to. I need to push away all the self-hatred, self-doubt, self-destroying issues that I currently have with myself. I am going to find worth within myself and it’s going to be great. I’ll be sharing quotes and highlights from this book with you guys and I’m also stoked about this.

So.. yes. More writing, more reading, more POSITIVITY, more exercising, more self-love, more parenting stuff, MORE EVERYTHING :D. I’m excited and I hope you guys will be too ❤ ❤

She was ashamed.

She could never let anyone in…Not even her husband. Her best friend blew away with the wind and all she had was her faded brown eyes reflecting in the window. She was happy and she tried her best to be a good person but, she was never the person she truly wanted to be. She put on a strong front; confident, intelligent, brave. Even though she cried and screamed every night as nightmares broke through her skin; not good enough. Constantly tense, she fell apart only in the darkness. Her weakness for touch fought against her constant pride; never ready for the words no. Rejection killed her and made her that insecure girl…Her father’s love was never there, just his belt around her throat.

She was a whisper.

Though you would never believe it. Her tongue was quick and her wit and charm came like it was natural… She had a plan. If she could play make believe and get through life with more than an empty dream, the pain would be worth it. If she could break through and be that person she wanted to be (even if only pretending) then maybe she could be happy. Happiness was like love, she thought… Always fading, inconsistent, imaginary, fleeting. In the end her whispers wouldn’t be enough to keep him by her side and the girl inside screaming would be left there to die.

Tell Me Your Secrets…

The ones you have placed away; tied with pretty bows of lace and frill. The ones that create shame and make your eyes rain upon porcelain cheeks. Tell me the ones that keep you from jumping into your life. I know that roses and jasmine flowers hide the scent of blood… The blood that once flowed from your wrists into your bathroom sinks and garden tub. I promise not to judge your pain, your reality, your dreams… Tell me your secrets and maybe we can both find a little piece of solace to not hide away in, but to come alive in.

Beating.

My heart skips a beat when our lips touch so intensely.

When you hold me so close I can barely breathe. 

This is what our love used to be like… 

Now, it’s slowly coming back to life

with each day the fire in your eyes grows &

I can feel your love for me through your finger tips once more.

Finally our love has become a flame again

Full of beauty and passion…

I hope this time we can keep it alive until the end<3.

My wings have finally broken free and now they unfold ever so gently to expose the power that I have held inside of me for so long. They unravel and become large and beautiful, shining in the sun as each ray of light hits me ever so softly. Finally I am everything that is me. Finally, I am free and ready to live my life and take on the adventures to come. Though I still have many battles to fight, at least now… I’m whole again.

Fairy Tales & Magic.

When I was a little girl

I believed in fairy tales.

I believed in magic

And a prince on a white horse…

Now that I’ve grown up

I only find magic in small things.

The words you write for me &

small sweet gestures.

I find though,

that the magic fades

when reality sets in &

then I turn to my pen.

I let out all the hate…

All the disappointment,

all the loneliness,

all the sadness.

Then the magic finds me again.

In your eyes,

in your smile,

in your touch.

You make me feel the magic again;

Like I’m a little girl

And this is my fairy tale.

You are my prince on a white horse

And true love is really real.