There is nothing to say. I can’t breathe…that is all I can think. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t….I’m dying. Oh my god…is this it? Is this my life? It can’t possibly end here. I have so many more things I want to do, so many more things I want to say, things I need to change, things I need to become better at, people that need to know I love them…why now?
They really mean it when they say your life flashes before your eyes and when it does, it may seem small…it just might seem like you accomplished absolutely nothing and that you never were able to get over your self-esteem issues and that you still consider yourself completely worthless and uncapable of doing anything meaningful.
You might regret. You might regret so much more than not doing the dishes. You’ll regret not saying goodnight to your babies properly. You’ll regret not kissing your husband goodnight because you were so wrapped up in arguing with a friend. You might feel incredibly lonely; like no one ever truly got to know you because you were so afraid of what they would think….and that might be it.
That could be the end and you could never get a chance to fix it or change it. So, do it now. Be happy because tomorrow you might draw your last breath and you might wish you had made up with that friend, you might wish you kissed your husband goodnight, you might wish that you had cuddled up close to those babies…
You can be whoever you want to be if you only remember that this is it. This is your life and it will speed by quicker than you can inhale a bowl of mac and cheese and whether or not you believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true because that is how the truth works. You can choose to ignore it and that may be okay but it is still true. Love yourself. Even if it means you have to work towards it everyday, mantra after mantra, workout after workout, breath after breath, whatever it takes; love you.
Do what you dream of. Even if it is crazy or unrealistic. Who defines what is real or not? Who says you can’t travel? Who says I can’t write? Who says you can’t have everything you’ve ever wanted? It might not be easy…but you can have it. Reach for it and don’t look back at the people who tell you otherwise because in the end you are the only one who needs to be satisfied by your life. Run it. Run your life. It is only as amazing as you make it. So, breathe. Take a step. It gets easier.
You just need to shut up and breathe. Maybe one day you’ll learn to just stop running your mouth and just take action. You don’t need to say anything, just ACT. Just do whatever you need done and stop expecting your 2.5 year old to understand or see why it is you’re freaking out. You’re a grown up. BE YOU. DON’T BE LAZY.
Sometimes I wonder if I inherited this lazy bone from my father. My sick, fucked up, ridiculous father. Who would rather yell across the house for someone to do something for him (like pour a glass of milk) than get up and get it himself. Who the fuck does that? I do that sometimes. Sometimes when Jamie is here I will call her from upstairs to bring me something and that’s wrong. It is.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have been successful? If I will ever feel like I have become smart enough, loving enough, brave enough….A real writer…Anything that I want to be, I feel…average. Never excellent, never amazing, never great.
But I love…I do. I love so much that it hurts me and sometimes I try to stand back and say you know what, love isn’t what anyone needs right now. Sometimes, people just need to judge themselves and not be loved while doing it but I feel that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Everyone can use a little love even if they suck. Even if their entire lives are gone and it’s their fault…Love could fix it.
What am I?
Who am I?
Where do I go from here and how do I become….Me?
Maybe lay on the floor in the fetal position and try to remember what it was like to know nothing but comfort, security, love…
Forget that there was ever darkness?
Or maybe just realize that you can be the light. – Fuck.
I’m not quite sure where it starts.. When does the clean straight path you were on turn into a dusty path in the middle of the jungle? Where do you go from there if you aren’t sure where you started and how do you adapt? Sometimes I just feel so completely unsure of my life and where I’ve ended up. Then other times…it’s so perfect and right where I always imagined I’d be.. Isn’t that confusing? Isn’t it strange? I feel like a little girl in a room full of adults not understanding a single word they are saying… Seeking nourshment and some form of validation and I just can’t seem to find it. I tell my husband often, please just tell me I’m pretty because today is ugly and grey and I can’t seem to pull myself out from underneith it’s beautiful warm blanket. When I look into my daughter’s eyes after a hard, long day, I mostly feel shame because of how I have acted. I have been so frustrated and maybe even mean to this beautiful little girl with these big hazel eyes who I’m positive only wants exactly what I seek; noursiment, validation, acceptance, love.. I feel like I am so unworthy to be her mother and that I fail at it everyday. I wonder when she looks at me what she sees but then I know…she just sees her mommy. Her world. That makes me feel worse.
She was ashamed.
She could never let anyone in…Not even her husband. Her best friend blew away with the wind and all she had was her faded brown eyes reflecting in the window. She was happy and she tried her best to be a good person but, she was never the person she truly wanted to be. She put on a strong front; confident, intelligent, brave. Even though she cried and screamed every night as nightmares broke through her skin; not good enough. Constantly tense, she fell apart only in the darkness. Her weakness for touch fought against her constant pride; never ready for the words no. Rejection killed her and made her that insecure girl…Her father’s love was never there, just his belt around her throat.
She was a whisper.
Though you would never believe it. Her tongue was quick and her wit and charm came like it was natural… She had a plan. If she could play make believe and get through life with more than an empty dream, the pain would be worth it. If she could break through and be that person she wanted to be (even if only pretending) then maybe she could be happy. Happiness was like love, she thought… Always fading, inconsistent, imaginary, fleeting. In the end her whispers wouldn’t be enough to keep him by her side and the girl inside screaming would be left there to die.
The ones you have placed away; tied with pretty bows of lace and frill. The ones that create shame and make your eyes rain upon porcelain cheeks. Tell me the ones that keep you from jumping into your life. I know that roses and jasmine flowers hide the scent of blood… The blood that once flowed from your wrists into your bathroom sinks and garden tub. I promise not to judge your pain, your reality, your dreams… Tell me your secrets and maybe we can both find a little piece of solace to not hide away in, but to come alive in.
My wings have finally broken free and now they unfold ever so gently to expose the power that I have held inside of me for so long. They unravel and become large and beautiful, shining in the sun as each ray of light hits me ever so softly. Finally I am everything that is me. Finally, I am free and ready to live my life and take on the adventures to come. Though I still have many battles to fight, at least now… I’m whole again.
She plays, tries to dream, laughs for a moment, works hard to give all she can…She gives. Everything she has she passes down to each of her little sunflowers; they’re her life, her breath, she loves to watch them grow and play and helps guide their decisions from day to day but she’s lonely. Love that she has never found, for a man who could help her carry her load, instead taken granted of, no one noticing how angelically placed she is, a hidden angel. Though her path is dark and scenic, her little sunflowers follow her through and through, look up to her face of tears and only see the smiles she gives to each of them. She gives her everything to everyone, whole heartily, not expecting anything in return and yet no one sees what it means. She waits in her sunflower field for someone to come and love her gifts as much as she does, and love her as well. Instead they don’t understand how she feels, how the guilt engulfs her, how she never feels good enough, how she wants to take care of everyone, when all she needs is someone to want to take care of her. She looks down on all of the blessings she has but she still sees the empty piece that’s missing, the one thing she’s looking for and can’t find. Though, she knows darkness and can’t believe in happy ever after anymore she wonders why can’t she? Why can’t it happen for her? She wants to believe there is a prince charming that will come by and push through her stubborn mind and rescue her. Save her from thinking she doesn’t deserve happy ever after or that she’s unworthy. Though her sunflowers smile up at her and tell her she’s beautiful and how they love her, she’s still waiting, trying to believe in fairy tales. Maybe Jaded and a little twisted, but her sunflowers stand by her side seeing nothing but perfection.
Our love for you never changes. Happy or sad, broken or whole, you’re our hidden angel guiding and protecting us each and every day. Even though we don’t always show it, we never take you for granted, loving you and thanking you for everything you’ve done for us. We love you, don’t forget it. We’ll make it through.
[To my amazing mother. I love you more than words could ever come close to expressing. This is an old piece but I wanted to share it again. This piece is definitely not perfect but it came from a time when things were not perfect.]
It’s not hard for me to love you… It’s not hard for me to look at you and remember why I fell in love with you and it’s not hard for me to see our future together. Each whisper, touch, and day spent together is more than I could ever ask for. I came from this dark place where I felt like no man would ever hold me and love me while he did it. I came from this place where fairy tales don’t exist and love never lasted and then I met you. Face to face, I dove into your heart willing to give you everything because…I believed in us. I believed that you could be the kind of man I needed and I believed that with each touch behind the lust, love was there. You were there. It’s not hard for me to love you but my heart aches when I think about what could have been and where life could have led us and even where it will lead us in the future.. I often wonder if my path will dim down as my luck has been too good; finding you is too good. It’s hard for me to share myself with you but then again, it’s not. I have handed you my heart and even though it’s not on a silver platter. I hope that it is still something you will cherish because I love you. I can’t imagine a day without you and I know that you are my one and only. I know that you are the one.
I used to hope that I would become brave enough to play with fire and walk across the ocean without a map. I prayed for courage so that maybe I could be dangerous for one moment; maybe then the pain would disappear. Except danger and fear were a permanent part of my life; abuse. I walked in the shadows and hid in corners with dark hair and small pieces of random color breaking through; pieces of me. Eventually I broke through… Maybe not shining or gracefully but instead damaged and tainted; still trying, still breathing.