Today is one of those days..

The one where you feeling like you’re going to lose your mind and drive off a cliff somewhere because every time you try to accomplish something, someone acts like their dying (yes, the toddler.) So far today, I have gotten up, cleaned poop, got dressed, nursed both children, ate three bananas for breakfast, took them to the playground (got kind of lost on the way there because I never go to this one) for a play date, came home to a husband who was like OH MAN WHERE DID YOU GO I WANTED TO WALK TOGETHER, made everyone food, prepped meals, and was mostly yelled at because the toddler (again) needed milk RIGHT NOW.

I need to meditate. So, now that the children are asleep…here I am trying to find some kind of peace and maybe some mothers who relate to just re-validate that I am NOT the only one going bat shit crazy here…

I love my children. They are amazing, intelligent, hilarious, beautiful, tiny little people. I enjoy them most days and some days, I think “oh..man…” but, I love them. I love them more than the days are long, more than the skies are blue, more than I love Stabucks coffee (and that is a lot.) Being a mother is the most amazing and precious gift the universe has given me and sometimes I might not be the best i can be but, I do appreciate it.

So any other moms out there thinking they might die today.. Let’s sit together, turn up the music, and laugh for a while? We need it sometimes…Maybe add a glass of wine to that too, ay?

Baby & Toddler Wearing: What is your favorite?

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I am a HUGE supporter of baby wearing. It literally keeps me alive most days. My son (Ollie) will hang in the Tula ALL DAY if he has to going from nursing to fast asleep on my back. He is probably the most content baby I (and my friends) have ever seen. I could not make dinner, do laundry, or chase after my little girl without my Tula/ring sling/wrap. My Tula is my go to for most things, my wrap is my go to for long outings especially things like walking around Manhattan or hiking, and my ring sling is for quick trips to the grocery store, etc. I wear my toddler in a Girasol #26 wrap conversion toddler Tula (when she lets me) and it is probably my favorite baby wearing piece I own. It is buttery soft and so beautiful. Girasol #26 happens to be my daughters legacy wrap (which I will keep for her when she has children) so this Tula is just love. I also love accessories. I HAVE to have suck pads and something for my little baby hands to play with and thankfully I have an awesome friend who makes said things! You can find her here. Her and her mom are just the nicest people ever and even made Aubrey the cutest Hello Kitty baby-carrier for Easter! Do you guys baby wear or toddler wear? Have a favorite wrap, tula, ring sling, etc? The community for baby wearing is awesome too. Facebook has so many groups and it makes my heart sing.

Celebrating Easter without Religion.

A lot of people have been asking me how we celebrate easter without religion or the easter bunny. Honestly, I don’t see how it’s a big deal. We just made it like every other day but we dressed up and had an easter egg hunt? I think that it’s okay for her to be apart of the festivities without lying to her about a magical bunny or bringing jesus into it… We went to an easter egg hunt that did toys instead of candy and then we went to the playground and we played with all our friends! It was great and she loved it. We also got her a big play dough set not really for easter but just because who doesn’t like random fun gifts? That was all there was to it! Not complicated at all 🙂 Do you guys celebrate easter? How do you feel about the easter bunny?

I know I have been seriously lacking content wise…

BUT. We have been really busy with this whole “easter” business. We don’t actually celebrate easter because we’re not religious and I’m a firm believer that you should spend time with your family on more than just holidays BUT (I know the buts.. haha) we took Aubrey to an easter egg hunt with all our friends mainly because they didn’t have candy in the eggs and they were doing age groups so Aubrey wasn’t going to get pushed and shoved… SHE LOVED IT. I didn’t think it was all that great but she was so pleased! We went with 4 friends and their kids so all together I think there was 11 of us? After the egg hunt because it was a really quick kind of thing, we took the kids to the park and played from 10:30 – 12:30! It was really great. Then this morning we went to the pool (5 of us) and then off to my moms house because uncle Dillon was over (My brother) and Aubrey doesn’t get to see him as much as the others so she was SOOO excited to play with him (He is 17, haha.) We also made her an “easter basket” which is a book, playdoh, and playdoh things (a knife, some stamp blocks, etc.) She hasn’t opened it yet but I’m sure she is going to love it. Joey had to work today so I’m waiting until he’s off to give it to her :). How was your easter? Do you celebrate? If not do you still do little things for your kids? Enjoy the last of the weekend!!! (Im off to the dentist tomorrow…YUCK.)

Another Rough Night…

We decided last minute that we would kind of give the “gentle sleep training” method a go.. I nursed Aubrey and put her in her room with the baby gate up saying, you can play or go to bed. She was fine to play for a while but then she wanted more milk. I said, you can have more milk in the morning and she was okay the first time… After that she screamed and cried to come out. I laid on the floor holding her hand for what seemed like forever. I don’t know how parents let their babies CIO. I mean, I was comforting her the whole time, validating her feelings, letting her know I loved her but that she couldn’t come out and had to go to sleep and it was like torture for me and my husband. I honestly am not sure what else to do though because I can’t nurse her ALL NIGHT and I can’t drive her to sleep every night either. We did the same thing tonight and currently I am sitting in the hallway by her room with music playing and typing this out. She cries and she asks to come out… It’s so miserable. Sometimes she stops and looks like she’s going to pass out but then she just starts crying again. I don’t know if this is the right thing for us or what but I’m at a loss as of what I should do if not this.

I have been trying REALLY hard to wear her out throughout the day. Yesterday we were at the pool from 1:15p.m. to 5:30p.m.! Today we were at the pool from 4p.m. until 6:30p.m… We also did grocery shopping today and a bunch of stuff in the kitchen. I want to be as gentle with her as a possibly can and this is so hard. I never thought I’d have a baby who didn’t like sleeping… 😦

P.S. I just want to note that Aubrey is 28 months old. She is not a baby who doesn’t understand what sleep is or anything like that.. She is fully aware that we are doing all of this so that she can sleep in her bed and so mommy can sleep too.

Sometime yesterday..

My Fitbit died and needed a charge so no Daily FitLog as of yesterday. We were fairly active though! I got up semi-early and took Aubrey and Ollie to my favorite childhood park and she played there for almost 2 hours! She had so much fun with all the other children and wanted nothing to do with me. It made me both sad and happy. I’m glad she isn’t one of those children that never leaves their mother (although there is nothing wrong with that). I guess I’m more glad that she is a independent explorer. That she is comfortable enough to leave my side and do her own thing and know that I will be right there when she needs me. When she started getting sleepy she knew just where I was to come hug my leg and rub those sleepy eyes. I’ve been trying to keep us busy with friends (I’ve made a couple these past few weeks and it is GREAT!) so that Aubrey is getting out all her energy and has less energy to be jealous/upset when I have to shift my attention from her to her brother. So far, last night was the first night of BLEH since I started getting us out almost everyday… As you can see from my planner below..
imageAubrey really seems her best when she isn’t bored so we are definitely going to keep her active and happy. I’m not sure we’ll do all these activities all the time, but it’s nice to know they are there.

Last night was rough because she didn’t want to go to sleep unless I drove her around and I am so tired of doing it. It’s frustrating and I didn’t want to give in but I can’t be kicked in the face either.  I threw an adult sized tantrum and yelled over her yelling at me while kicking me in the face and it wasn’t very nice so in the car we got (after also having a tif with the husband) and off to Starbucks. By the time I had gotten my Green Tea Frappuccino (soy, no whip) she was out and we headed home (Jamie and I.)
imageAfter that it was time to resolve the tif with husband (not very willingly, I kind of wanted to just be like HAH I’m going to bed) but we did resolve it and then I ate a VERY late dinner (11:11 to be exact.) Sigh. I was up until 2 a.m. making sure diapers got from the washer to the dryer and then finally I laid down and Ollie was up and didn’t want to do anything but smile and coo at me… I love motherhood but man, it’s exhausting. Thank goodness for late night Starbucks runs, ay? How was your day yesterday? How was your weekend? I’d love for you guys to share with me!!

Yesterday was hard on my heart.

This toddler.. Oy. She needs so much attention and constantly has to be made busy. She can play alone for about 5 minutes and then she is wanting me. She becomes so jealous of Ollie which makes her angry with me and then the tantrums come exploding of her tiny body and honestly, I probably am looking at her like she is possessed because I am in awe of her and what I should do to make it stop (or let it happen?) The first half of the day was decent. She was happy to go visit her “GiGi and Baba” (her auntie Jamie and grandma) so that I could get some walking done, she was “meh” about the whole Walmart experience…but then she was tired on the way home and fell asleep and I knew that nap would be the death of me & it was. She was SO angry after that nap. She was clingy and just wanted to nurse and when I said no…WOAH. She was acting like I killed her dog. Finally, I had convinced her to have some vegan yogurt and cashew milk instead and she was a little bit better but then as soon as the food was gone it was tornado Aubrey back in action. I took her outside, nope. I took her upstairs to play, nope. I took her into her playroom to jump on her trampoline, nope. I was counting down the seconds until bedtime (I literally hate days like that.) Finally, after being kicked in the face and being told to die (where did she even learn that word???) I just started balling my eyes out. Once Joey was off of work, we got everyone in the car and we drove for over an hour, picking up a vegan pizza, garlic knots, and a box of oreos because oh…Finally after having to nurse her and Ollie to sleep at 10:30, I got to eat cold pizza & garlic knots, cuddle with my husband, watch SuperNatural and eat some oreos before crawling into bed at 2a.m. and freezing the majority of the night because no heat and apparently Florida decided it would be winter again or a night, day, weekend? Oh today… Please be better.

Motherhood is hard.

Today I felt like a failure in the motherhood department. Aubrey was so tired and she was just so “mean”. I know that she wasn’t actually being mean and I know she was just tired but oh, the meltdowns… The kicking and the crying… After being calm and patient 100 times I’m just about to jump out of the window! Motherhood is hard. Toddlerhood is hard. I try so hard not to be sarcastic with her (I am an extremely sarcastic person… As well as a loud one..) I know that we will get through it together but sometimes I really think it’s going to kill the both of us but then she climbs into my arms and she tells me she loves me and how sleepy she is… I melt. No matter how hard motherhood becomes I’m ready for the challenge but I will absolutely accept any vegan ice-cream after bedtime that comes my way.

Time and Time Again..

Dear Aubrey,

Oh, my little love. I try… I try so hard to make sure that I don’t fuck you up & it is hard. I try not to yell, not to shame you, not to feed you the wrong foods, to make sure you get enough exercise, to make sure you get enough attention, to make sure you get enough sleep, enough unconditional love, enough knowledge, enough choices and it is exhausting. I screw up. Daily. I know that I become frustrated too easily and I know that I hurt your feelings often and for that I am sorry but also, I’m not. I know that you will forgive me and I will forgive you and we will learn from each other through this life we share. You will see me at my weakest, my meanest, and my saddest times but you will also see me at my best, at my strongest, and at my happiest times. I am raising you to be aware of reality and real feelings even when they suck. Although, I don’t always want you to see me so angry, so frustrated, so sad, or so defeated… I really think it’s good for both of us. I could definitely use some more control over my emotions but I know we will get there together. I love you, so, so much more than anything else in this world and even during this horrible day (week, month, year) I want you to know that and never ever second guess it. You are the moon to my stars, the sun to my day, the mac to my vegan cheese and every other cliché you could possibly come up with… Remember please, that I am not perfect but I try oh so hard to be for you.

Love forever & always,

Mommy~