There is nothing to say. I can’t breathe…that is all I can think. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t….I’m dying. Oh my god…is this it? Is this my life? It can’t possibly end here. I have so many more things I want to do, so many more things I want to say, things I need to change, things I need to become better at, people that need to know I love them…why now?
They really mean it when they say your life flashes before your eyes and when it does, it may seem small…it just might seem like you accomplished absolutely nothing and that you never were able to get over your self-esteem issues and that you still consider yourself completely worthless and uncapable of doing anything meaningful.
You might regret. You might regret so much more than not doing the dishes. You’ll regret not saying goodnight to your babies properly. You’ll regret not kissing your husband goodnight because you were so wrapped up in arguing with a friend. You might feel incredibly lonely; like no one ever truly got to know you because you were so afraid of what they would think….and that might be it.
That could be the end and you could never get a chance to fix it or change it. So, do it now. Be happy because tomorrow you might draw your last breath and you might wish you had made up with that friend, you might wish you kissed your husband goodnight, you might wish that you had cuddled up close to those babies…
You can be whoever you want to be if you only remember that this is it. This is your life and it will speed by quicker than you can inhale a bowl of mac and cheese and whether or not you believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true because that is how the truth works. You can choose to ignore it and that may be okay but it is still true. Love yourself. Even if it means you have to work towards it everyday, mantra after mantra, workout after workout, breath after breath, whatever it takes; love you.
Do what you dream of. Even if it is crazy or unrealistic. Who defines what is real or not? Who says you can’t travel? Who says I can’t write? Who says you can’t have everything you’ve ever wanted? It might not be easy…but you can have it. Reach for it and don’t look back at the people who tell you otherwise because in the end you are the only one who needs to be satisfied by your life. Run it. Run your life. It is only as amazing as you make it. So, breathe. Take a step. It gets easier.
You just need to shut up and breathe. Maybe one day you’ll learn to just stop running your mouth and just take action. You don’t need to say anything, just ACT. Just do whatever you need done and stop expecting your 2.5 year old to understand or see why it is you’re freaking out. You’re a grown up. BE YOU. DON’T BE LAZY.
Sometimes I wonder if I inherited this lazy bone from my father. My sick, fucked up, ridiculous father. Who would rather yell across the house for someone to do something for him (like pour a glass of milk) than get up and get it himself. Who the fuck does that? I do that sometimes. Sometimes when Jamie is here I will call her from upstairs to bring me something and that’s wrong. It is.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have been successful? If I will ever feel like I have become smart enough, loving enough, brave enough….A real writer…Anything that I want to be, I feel…average. Never excellent, never amazing, never great.
But I love…I do. I love so much that it hurts me and sometimes I try to stand back and say you know what, love isn’t what anyone needs right now. Sometimes, people just need to judge themselves and not be loved while doing it but I feel that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Everyone can use a little love even if they suck. Even if their entire lives are gone and it’s their fault…Love could fix it.
What am I?
Who am I?
Where do I go from here and how do I become….Me?
Maybe lay on the floor in the fetal position and try to remember what it was like to know nothing but comfort, security, love…
Forget that there was ever darkness?
Or maybe just realize that you can be the light. – Fuck.
So, I’m going to be starting a couple new projects…
- Bullet journaling. I’ll be sharing this journey here and I have to say I’m pretty stoked about it. I so far have just been setting it up and getting it ready to start Sept. 1st but it’s been so much fun just getting it ready!
- Blogging. Live blogging. All day, everyday, there will be more of me.
- No complaining!! I am start the NO complaining project where you attempt to rid your life of negativity but just denying yourself the option of complaining – I need this in my life and am excited for the challenge. SO many of my friends and family members just NEVER stop complaining and unfortunately I have fallen into the dark depths of feeling ALL the negativity and just grasping for positive things..
- FITNESS LOGS ARE COMING BACK. I have been a HUGE slacker. I have really let myself down on this and Sept 1st is going to the the “get back to kicking ass” start day. Though, I will be doing stuff before then, this is my lock it down date.
- I’ll also be reading You Are A BadAss because honestly…I need to. I need to push away all the self-hatred, self-doubt, self-destroying issues that I currently have with myself. I am going to find worth within myself and it’s going to be great. I’ll be sharing quotes and highlights from this book with you guys and I’m also stoked about this.
So.. yes. More writing, more reading, more POSITIVITY, more exercising, more self-love, more parenting stuff, MORE EVERYTHING :D. I’m excited and I hope you guys will be too ❤ ❤
WHY?? Why does creating have to be so emotionally and physically draining when you have a family? There is just no time! There isn’t and it is something that I really NEED to do in order to make myself feel better. Even if it is five minutes of my day, I need it. So, I decided that I would start bullet journaling because it seems like I will get what I need from the creativity spectrum, doodle here, be productive there, and it’s quick and practical for my lifestyle? Maybe? So, we shall see. I’ll update everyone soon.
I’m not quite sure where it starts.. When does the clean straight path you were on turn into a dusty path in the middle of the jungle? Where do you go from there if you aren’t sure where you started and how do you adapt? Sometimes I just feel so completely unsure of my life and where I’ve ended up. Then other times…it’s so perfect and right where I always imagined I’d be.. Isn’t that confusing? Isn’t it strange? I feel like a little girl in a room full of adults not understanding a single word they are saying… Seeking nourshment and some form of validation and I just can’t seem to find it. I tell my husband often, please just tell me I’m pretty because today is ugly and grey and I can’t seem to pull myself out from underneith it’s beautiful warm blanket. When I look into my daughter’s eyes after a hard, long day, I mostly feel shame because of how I have acted. I have been so frustrated and maybe even mean to this beautiful little girl with these big hazel eyes who I’m positive only wants exactly what I seek; noursiment, validation, acceptance, love.. I feel like I am so unworthy to be her mother and that I fail at it everyday. I wonder when she looks at me what she sees but then I know…she just sees her mommy. Her world. That makes me feel worse.
I think mine is ending… Maybe…
Sometimes I feel utterly alone; I could cry.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with company; I am angry.
Sometimes I feel lost but you are there…And that’s all that matters.