It gets easier.

There is nothing to say. I can’t breathe…that is all I can think. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t….I’m dying. Oh my god…is this it? Is this my life? It can’t possibly end here. I have so many more things I want to do, so many more things I want to say, things I need to change, things I need to become better at, people that need to know I love them…why now?

They really mean it when they say your life flashes before your eyes and when it does, it may seem small…it just might seem like you accomplished absolutely nothing and that you never were able to get over your self-esteem issues and that you still consider yourself completely worthless and uncapable of doing anything meaningful.

You might regret. You might regret so much more than not doing the dishes. You’ll regret not saying goodnight to your babies properly. You’ll regret not kissing your husband goodnight because you were so wrapped up in arguing with a friend. You might feel incredibly lonely; like no one ever truly got to know you because you were so afraid of what they would think….and that might be it.

That could be the end and you could never get a chance to fix it or change it. So, do it now. Be happy because tomorrow you might draw your last breath and you might wish you had made up with that friend, you might wish you kissed your husband goodnight, you might wish that you had cuddled up close to those babies…

You can be whoever you want to be if you only remember that this is it. This is your life and it will speed by quicker than you can inhale a bowl of mac and cheese and whether or not you believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true because that is how the truth works. You can choose to ignore it and that may be okay but it is still true. Love yourself. Even if it means you have to work towards it everyday, mantra after mantra, workout after workout, breath after breath, whatever it takes; love you.

Do what you dream of. Even if it is crazy or unrealistic. Who defines what is real or not? Who says you can’t travel? Who says I can’t write? Who says you can’t have everything you’ve ever wanted? It might not be easy…but you can have it. Reach for it and don’t look back at the people who tell you otherwise because in the end you are the only one who needs to be satisfied by your life. Run it. Run your life. It is only as amazing as you make it. So, breathe. Take a step. It gets easier.

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Breathe.

You just need to shut up and breathe. Maybe one day you’ll learn to just stop running your mouth and just take action. You don’t need to say anything, just ACT. Just do whatever you need done and stop expecting your 2.5 year old to understand or see why it is you’re freaking out. You’re a grown up. BE YOU. DON’T BE LAZY.

Sometimes I wonder if I inherited this lazy bone from my father. My sick, fucked up, ridiculous father. Who would rather yell across the house for someone to do something for him (like pour a glass of milk) than get up and get it himself. Who the fuck does that? I do that sometimes. Sometimes when Jamie is here I will call her from upstairs to bring me something and that’s wrong. It is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I have been successful? If I will ever feel like I have become smart enough, loving enough, brave enough….A real writer…Anything that I want to be, I feel…average. Never excellent, never amazing, never great.

But I love…I do. I love so much that it hurts me and sometimes I try to stand back and say you know what, love isn’t what anyone needs right now. Sometimes, people just need to judge themselves and not be loved while doing it but I feel that’s wrong. It’s so wrong. Everyone can use a little love even if they suck. Even if their entire lives are gone and it’s their fault…Love could fix it.

What am I?

Who am I?

Where do I go from here and how do I become….Me?

Breathe.

Cry…

Maybe lay on the floor in the fetal position and try to remember what it was like to know nothing but comfort, security, love…

Forget that there was ever darkness?

Or maybe just realize that you can be the light. – Fuck.

Beating.

My heart skips a beat when our lips touch so intensely.

When you hold me so close I can barely breathe. 

This is what our love used to be like… 

Now, it’s slowly coming back to life

with each day the fire in your eyes grows &

I can feel your love for me through your finger tips once more.

Finally our love has become a flame again

Full of beauty and passion…

I hope this time we can keep it alive until the end<3.

My wings have finally broken free and now they unfold ever so gently to expose the power that I have held inside of me for so long. They unravel and become large and beautiful, shining in the sun as each ray of light hits me ever so softly. Finally I am everything that is me. Finally, I am free and ready to live my life and take on the adventures to come. Though I still have many battles to fight, at least now… I’m whole again.

Fairy Tales & Magic.

When I was a little girl

I believed in fairy tales.

I believed in magic

And a prince on a white horse…

Now that I’ve grown up

I only find magic in small things.

The words you write for me &

small sweet gestures.

I find though,

that the magic fades

when reality sets in &

then I turn to my pen.

I let out all the hate…

All the disappointment,

all the loneliness,

all the sadness.

Then the magic finds me again.

In your eyes,

in your smile,

in your touch.

You make me feel the magic again;

Like I’m a little girl

And this is my fairy tale.

You are my prince on a white horse

And true love is really real.

What will that bottle do?

Sleepless nights

I constantly move

Never still

I talk

I scream

I run from nightmares

Insomnia

It should be my middle name

I lie here awake just thinking about the day

Then I start to fade into dream land…

Dream land turns to nightmare land

and I’m awake again.

When will I ever experience peace?

When will I ever sleep again?

So

E

x

h

a

u

s

t

e

d

I have to spell it out letter by letter.

I can’t think straight until I get better…

What else can I do?

Is there a remedy for nightmares?

Hey Alice, will that bottle do?

Hidden Angel.

She plays, tries to dream, laughs for a moment, works hard to give all she can…She gives. Everything she has she passes down to each of her little sunflowers; they’re her life, her breath, she loves to watch them grow and play and helps guide their decisions from day to day but she’s lonely. Love that she has never found, for a man who could help her carry her load, instead taken granted of, no one noticing how angelically placed she is, a hidden angel. Though her path is dark and scenic, her little sunflowers follow her through and through, look up to her face of tears and only see the smiles she gives to each of them. She gives her everything to everyone, whole heartily, not expecting anything in return and yet no one sees what it means. She waits in her sunflower field for someone to come and love her gifts as much as she does, and love her as well. Instead they don’t understand how she feels, how the guilt engulfs her, how she never feels good enough, how she wants to take care of everyone, when all she needs is someone to want to take care of her. She looks down on all of the blessings she has but she still sees the empty piece that’s missing, the one thing she’s looking for and can’t find. Though, she knows darkness and can’t believe in happy ever after anymore she wonders why can’t she? Why can’t it happen for her? She wants to believe there is a prince charming that will come by and push through her stubborn mind and rescue her. Save her from thinking she doesn’t deserve happy ever after or that she’s unworthy. Though her sunflowers smile up at her and tell her she’s beautiful and how they love her, she’s still waiting, trying to believe in fairy tales. Maybe Jaded and a little twisted, but her sunflowers stand by her side seeing nothing but perfection.

Our love for you never changes. Happy or sad, broken or whole, you’re our hidden angel guiding and protecting us each and every day. Even though we don’t always show it, we never take you for granted, loving you and thanking you for everything you’ve done for us. We love you, don’t forget it. We’ll make it through.

[To my amazing mother. I love you more than words could ever come close to expressing. This is an old piece but I wanted to share it again. This piece is definitely not perfect but it came from a time when things were not perfect.]